Spitting Games

You can learn how to act like the singer of The Pigeon Detectives by following these easy steps!

What you will need:
1) 1 stage (or just some space should do)
2) an audience
3) 1 microphone with a very long cord
4) 1 case (24 bottles) of water
5) 1 t-shirt that can be disposed of
6) 1 drunk Scot

Please note that in order for your imitation to work properly, you must be very outgoing!

Step 1:
Get your audience together. If you are shy and want to practice your moves first, gather some inanimate objects instead. Stuffed animals will work, as long as they are in a large quantity and look lifelike. Other examples of a lifelike audience include packaged food products with people on them, magazines and newspapers, or photos of your friends.

Step 2:
Enter the stage with your band (Don't have a stage? You may want to make some space in your bedroom or backyard.) If you do not have a band, just grab anyone off the street, or play with an imaginary group/imaginary instruments, but if this is the case, just be sure you have backing music.

Step 3:
The opening song may be "Romantic Type" if you are going for a straight out imitation. Be sure to swing the microphone across the stage right from the get-go. When you become more advanced with this move, you may want to throw it in the air and catch it, or do some other tricks, like twirling the cord. Be sure to do this throughout the entire set, but NEVER make it look like you got anywhere close to smacking someone with it.

Step 4:
Pull at your shirt. Pull at your shirt A LOT. Pull it by the neck. Then pull it by the bottom. The singer doesn't actually pull it over his head and cover his face, but that would be quite amusing so try that as well (don't lose your balance though!)

Step 5:
Drink water. Don't drink all of it! Be sure to spit it out - at least half of each bottle. Practice spraying it in a big circle. Then try arches. If you really want to go nuts, go for short spritzes in a sprinkler-like motion. You MUST spit water on the audience in order for your imitation to be a success. If you are in a good mood, give one or two of your germy bottles to a lucky audience member for consumption.

Step 6:
If there are fake technical problems during your fake set, you may want to throw some comedy into your routine to kill time and make things less uncomfortable. Try giving a shout out to the opening act - even going so far as to comment on what a fantastic gene pool they came from (if you are lucky enough to get an imitation band of Your Vegas to open for your imitation Pigeon Detectives, then hopefully they do have a great genetic make-up like YV, and you won't just be saying that for a time filler.) To keep the audience interested during the technical snafu, recommend someone come up and make a joke. Try grabbing a drunk Scottish guy, preferably the one who is so wasted, no one can comprehend a single word he says. Then act like the cool imitation lead singer you are, and throw him back off the stage for being so shite.

If you can master all of these steps, then you should have no problem getting yourself an imaginary Pigeon Detectives gig. Congratulations on your success and keep on spritzing!